Dear Pierscen

Dear Pierscen,
 Today is Mother's Day. My first "official" one. Last year at this time, I knew I was pregnant, but you were still our little secret. Your daddy and I were so excited. It was hard to keep the good news to ourselves! I hadn't felt you move yet - you were so tiny, but I knew there was someone special growing inside. It wasn't long before you were kicking, rolling, punching, and hiccuping. Sometimes the movement made me motion sick and sometimes it really hurt. But other times I would just sit and watch as my belly would move as you circled around your tiny world and smile. Every minute of it - every kick and elbow, every late night tossing and turning, and every second worrying about whether I would be a good mom - was worth it. You are my miracle.

  Thank you for teaching me to forget myself. 

 Thank you for teaching me what it is to love.

 Thank you for teaching me how to pray.

 Thank you for showing me a glimpse into Heaven Father's eyes.

Thank you for choosing to be here.

Thank you for loving me. 

  


 Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be your mom.

 Thank you for giving me the chance to teach you the things my mom taught me.

 Thank you for giving me motivation every day.

 Thank you for keeping me moving, learning, and growing.

Thank you for smiling at me, and laughing with me (and at me) when I need it most.

 Thank you for talking to me, and telling me your stories.

 Thank you for trusting me.

 Thank you for giving me the chance to teach you about Jesus. I know you know Him better than I do, as you were just in His loving arms, so thank you for teaching me about Him.  

 Thank you for being patient with me.

 Thank you for giving me purpose in life.

  



Thank you for teaching me how to think about others.

 Thank you for teaching me how to serve.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to be your mom. Every night I thank my Heavenly Father for entrusting you to me. You are such an amazing child with such a radiant, strong, and amazing spirit. I know I have far more to learn from you than you could ever learn from me. I am not a perfect mom. It's only been 4 months and already I can't count the number of things I am sure I've done "wrong." But one thing I can say I have done right - is love you. I love you more than I will ever be able to find words for. There is nothing you could do to make me stop loving you. I would give my life for you in heartbeat if it was asked of me. Please don't ever doubt that. 

I have been blessed with an amazing mother of my own. She is Super Woman. Not the cartoon of the lady in the funny spandex. That's just made up stuff. The real life Super Woman is Grandma. She is my example, my hero, and my friend. I hope one day I can be those things for you too.

 You are very blessed to have two Grandmas who love and adore you. They are both incredible women. Learn from them, as I do on a daily basis. They love the Lord with all their hearts. They teach and lead by example. They serve selflessly. They are true Daughters of our Heavenly Father. Someday, when you are grown, you will have the chance to marry the girl of your dreams. I hope you choose someone like your Grandmas, because then you know that she will be a wonderful mother too. 

 Thank you for being my boy. Thank you for letting me be your mom. I love you.

 

Word From The Homefront

It has now been 4 weeks (tomorrow) since Ryan moved to Casper, Wyoming. Trust me, I would have liked to have posted something before now, but life has been a tab bit chaotic. The separation has been... a roller coaster of emotions I would say. The first week wasn't as bad as I had anticipated, but I believe that was mostly because it hadn't sunk in yet. It felt like he was just working a double, or on a scouting trip, or something like that. Nights were (and are) the hardest. Especially on Dodger. That first night I couldn't convince Dodger to come to bed. He always waits up for Ryan. I physically had to pick him up, close and lock the hallway door, carry him to bed and try to convince him to stay. He immediately ran to the hallway door, began to scratch it, and whined softly. "I'm sorry bud," I told him, "Dad's not coming home." It's been a rough transition. But every time I have found myself pouting, or feeling sorry for myself, I have just had to give myself a little reminder: At least I have Pierscen, Dodger, AND both families. Ryan is totally alone in an apt that is almost completely bare. I have no room to complain at all. But that being said, I miss him more than I can find words for. It gets boring. And very lonely. And I cry, a lot. To be blunt, it sucks. I am grateful that I have had a billion things to do, or else this would be infinitely worse. 


That being said... what does Ryan think of his new city and job? He loves it. He is loving his job. He is learning something new everyday - which is a big plus for him. The first week he was basically just studying, a lot like his internship with the Utah County Health Dept. That first week was meant to bring him up to speed on Wyoming codes and laws and refresh his memory. The next three weeks are shadowing weeks where he gets to follow his coworkers around to the various inspections. After that he has a week or two where they shadow him, and then he is on his own. Since he has been out there, they have inspected restaurants, gas stations, pools, school cafeterias, day cares, septic systems and more. He is currently working with a company that is wanting to open a restaurant there to make sure their building plans are all up to code before they start. Each time I talk to him I learn something new too. His job entails way more than I imagined and I know it's only scratching the surface. 


He says it is windy out there, but it hasn't been too bad. The first Friday came around and he wasn't sure if he was going to go fishing the next day. I was flabbergasted by this. I mean, the fishing is one of the things he has been looking forward to most. Fishing gear was one of the absolute must haves on his list of things he was taking in the Highlander. I asked him how he could even consider not going, and his response was that he felt kind of guilty about it. He felt like he had abandoned us and it just didn't seem right for him to be off playing while I was home in another state with the baby. Though grateful to hear that he cares, I told him it would be ridiculous if he didn't go. He was out there for our sake. He is starting his career! One that will hopefully allow me to be mommy. So that was all just silly nonsense. 


The next morning I received the following picture:

An 18 inch Rainbow trout. I couldn't stop smiling. We chatted a few times during his fishing adventure, but at one point he said,


"Ah! I gotta go! It's a big one!" I was really happy he decided to go. He loves fishing. As he was leaving, a guy down the shore from him wished him "better luck next time" meaning better luck catching the "big" ones. ?! For Utah, that thing is huge! But apparently, 18 inches is just a baby out there. :)


Ryan called me later to explain why fishing in Wyoming was so much better than Utah. He said that there are three huge reservoirs within about and hour of Casper, but unlike Utah where you have a ton of people overfishing the same couple of locations, Wyoming doesn't have the population to do much "damage" to the fish numbers there. The reservoirs are stocked, but the fish are also able to reproduce in a healthy manner and sustain the population. 


To put it in perspective, (and this I did not know until this conversation with him,) did you know that Wyoming is the least populated state in the union? Wait - hold that thought. Wyoming is ranked 52nd. That's right. 52nd. That means there are territories of the US of A that are more populated than the state of Wyoming. What the what?!?! Utah County has a population of 516,564 (2010 census). Half a million people in just Utah County. The state of Wyoming has 563,626. The entire STATE only out populates Utah County by about 50,000. It's no wonder he loves it out there! It's no wonder the fishing is amazing!


The next Saturday was even better.  

24 inch Rainbow.

26 inch "Cutbow" - Cutthroat/Rainbow hybrid.

I think he said this Cutbow was a personal record for him. But it was also a moral dilemma. You see, Ryan loves fishing - as previously mentioned. But he very rarely keeps them. Typically only when camping and it is meant to be the evening meal. When he is just out fishing for the day, he always flattens the barb on the hook so that he can do Catch and Release without much effort. However, since the Cutbow is a hybrid, it won't reproduce. (Kind of like a mule.) So this big, beautiful fish will just be out there in the water, eating the smaller fish, and giving nothing in return. What to do? I told him the only reasonable thing to do was keep him. Ryan's nature wanted to put him back, give him a chance to grow even more so he would be that much more fun to catch in the future. But that would mean releasing him to pick on the "purebred" fish and not giving anything in return.

In the end, he pulled a *Traci.

About a week and a half after he left, we both set up Skype and he gave me a virtual tour of our new place. It looked pretty nice. A lot more space than I had expected from our one bed/one bath. The bedroom is a good size and has at least 3 electrical outlets. :) This may seem like a silly thing to take note of, but our current place is the worst for outlets! The bedroom and kitchen both only have one and it makes life really hard! Haha. The kitchen has great counter space and tons of cupboards. YEAH!!! Again - our current kitchen is majorly lacking. The only counter space I have consists of about 6 inches in front of the microwave. Not even kidding. And cupboards? What cupboards? Anyway... I am really excited about that. The kitchen has a half wall that opens up into the living room. There is also a big walk-in closet, (not actually in the bedroom,) two pantry size closets, a coat closet and the closet in the bedroom. I was really happy about the storage space. 

Although the separation has been really hard on both of us, it is a relief to know that Ryan loves his job and is really happy with the area. It is going to be really hard to be away from family, but like they say, you grow where you are planted, and this is definitely where we need to be.

*A few years ago, Ryan and I took Ryan's niece Traci fishing. We were doing Catch and Release like always, but one particular trout was having a difficult time recovering. We put it in a shallow rock area to recover, but it kept going belly up. We tried and tried to get it to recoup, but it wasn't looking good. We explained this to Traci. She looked at the fish thoughtfully, then announced, "I'll be right back." She turned and walked a few feet away behind some bushes where we saw her kneel down, bow her head, and begin to pray. Ryan and I looked at each other and said in unison, "It's going to live!" Whether that fish was going to make it or not, we planned on releasing it somewhere downstream where it would look like it swam off and lived happily ever after. Traci returned a minute later with a resolute look on her face. "Let's eat it!!!" she shouted. Ryan and I burst into laughter. Neither of us could have guessed that would be her response. We thought for sure her little heart would pray in earnest that the little fish would live. I guess I can't say what she prayed for, but she got the answer right. That fish definitely would not have made it. So we kept it, and it made a good little dinner.

Two Pokes and Three Printouts Later

 I will be the first to admit that I am no good at math. (English major, remember?) But this equation I can follow rather easily:

One graduation+Two birthdays+Two weddings+No sleep = A slightly - to very - exhausted, somewhat emotionally unstable mommy.

I left P's pediatrician appointment today feeling really discouraged. Whenever I feel this way, I tend to wait things out until I am feeling better before posting, but there is no harm in admitting the spectrum of things here and there. :) 

First and foremost, P is in great condition. No health problems. No concerns. By all means, the visit was a success. But part of me just feels so incredibly warn down. Again, refer to the above equation and I think you can see why.

Pierscen's stats:

Head Circumference: 38.83% (68.38% at 2 months)
Length: 27.56% (73.81% at 2 months)        {24.5 inches}
Weight: 10.7% (34.52% at 2 months)         {13.49 lbs}

Does anyone else see the problem?

Okay, hold up. First off, there is no problem. The doctor was not concerned about any of the above. He is still growing. He is still healthy. Nothing wrong. There's the logical, pretending I am not about to drop dead, emotionally stable view of things.

Then there's the other part of me - illogical, really about to drop dead, emotionally unstable part of me. What the heck?! I am quite positive he is longer than that. But I know length is one of the hardest things to measure. The weight - well the actual poundage is just fine, but 10%?!? The truth of it is, these percentages don't really mean anything. Every kid is different. And as long as they are growing, and healthy, and happy, it doesn't matter if they are 10% or 90%. It really doesn't! The only reason I am concerned about it is because the one thing stressing me out more than anything moving towards this surgery is his weight. They want him to be 15 lbs or more. I don't think they will push it back if he doesn't reach it, but for his sake, I want him to be 15 lbs or more because that means he will do better. It may mean the difference between a transfusion or not. It may mean it won't be quite so hard on the little guy.

I told the Dr that I knew we couldn't figure out exactly how much he will weigh in a month, but could we guesstimate? Using the little graph they give you, we figure if he stays on the same line, he will be within ounces of 15 pounds. So that's really encouraging. But still, seeing that dramatic drop made me feel... I don't know... like I was failing some how. It's not like I am starving him. I feed that boy more than I would like most days. (Okay - most nights.) He eats and eats and eat. I know there isn't a way to quantify how much he is getting when he breastfeeds, but he always seems satisfied. And on the occasions that he hasn't, I give him some formula to top him off. So I am doing everything I can. But the charge from the Plastic and Neurosurgeon to "beef him up" has been haunting me ever since I left their offices. What more can I do?! And the answer is nothing! I can't do anything more than what I am doing. I am trying so hard. I am. And I know that's all they asked of me - just to do my best. And I have. So I shouldn't feel bad at all. But seeing that huge drop in percentages just made my heart sink. At least he should be within ounces of the bare minimum. I just wish I could have done more. Outside of this surgery, I wouldn't care at all that he was only in the 10th percentile. It wouldn't matter. But someone I feel like everything hinges on that one little number. So stupid. So emotionally fraught. I hate it. But it will be over soon. One more month. It will be over before I know it, and I will look back and wonder why I was so stressed. Everything will be okay. 

The Dr said no to cereal. He said they used to say 4 months, but there is now a bunch of reasons not too. I didn't ask what those were. I have heard from others that studies show it can lead to food allergies and gluten intolerance. I personally believe that he would probably be just fine if he started cereal, but I will hold off. My dilemma is whether to keep breastfeeding or just go to formula. I really want to keep breastfeeding. I know it's the best thing for him. I have nothing against formula whatsoever (except for cost) but breastfeeding really is easy, and nutritionally the best. However, it has also been a miserable experience for me. [For any male reader, this may be a TMI, but you also may find it scientifically interesting - as did my brother - as I will explain in a moment.] I have Raynaud's syndrome. I went back to my OB/GYN to discuss the pain I was having after breastfeeding. They say with burning, they typically look at yeast first, but if it had been yeast, it would have responded to my Purple People Eater treatment. The other likely culprit? Raynaud's syndrome. Raynaud's is typically associated with fingers and toes, but it can, in rare cases, happen in nipples. Basically it's where the blood vessels, when exposed to cold, or even cooler temperatures, constrict and spasm cutting off all blood flow. The area blanches (goes white) and eventually will relax and allow blood flow back in. The result is absolute nauseating, pins, knives, and fire types of pain radiating, shooting, and burning through the breast and nipple. Sounds like fun, right? It's not every time I feed, and it's not always crippling painful, but there are times that I climb back in bed after feeding him and lay there for 2 hours because the pain is so bad I can't sleep. The only thing I can really do is take B6 vitamins and heat pack it. It helps relieve the pain, but not always. When I told my brother, who graduates from medical school in two weeks about it, his response was,

"Shut up! You have that?! Diana, do you know they write about that in medical journals?! It's not common. Do your nipples blanch, and then go red when the blood flow comes back? It's super painful. As a medical professional - okay, I can't quite say that yet - but as a medical professional, I give you my permission to stop breastfeeding. Seriously. Stop." 

You gotta love being a medical anomaly. Haha.

So aaaannnnyyyywwwwaaaayyyy... that's my dilemma. The pediatrician, as a pediatrician, obviously doesn't really care as long as the boy gets fed. He encouraged me to keep breastfeeding if that's what I want to do, but it has to be right for me and my family. Yeah, well. I don't really know what's right. My goal was to get him to 6 months, but there are some days I am ready to quite cold turkey. (I wouldn't of course, because that would just result in even more issues, but it seems tempting.)


Wow. Now that's all behind us... Pierscen got his shots, and hated it, of course. It's heartbreaking, but far better than contracting one of those nasty diseases. 


He fell asleep on the way home and has since had some Tylenol, been fed, and is taking a nice nap. 


At this very moment, I am not sure how I feel about posting this. I don't like posting when I am not in my normal frame of mind. I don't like the idea of people thinking that I am weak. Although I am quite sure no one actually does. But I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling subject to my emotions, rather than me owning them. You know? But give it another week and life will be so much better. No graduations. No weddings. Just life - as if that isn't enough. Haha.

But! There is wonderful news - and it's what keeping me going right now. We are going to Wyoming to visit Ryan on Friday! My wonderful in-laws are driving us out for the weekend and I am so excited!!!! I miss Ryan more than I can possibly say. That is another reason this weekend has been so incredibly hard. It was physically and emotionally draining anyway, but to do it without Ryan really sucked. I am so grateful my in-laws are willing to take us out there. P needs his daddy. And I need my husband. 

Two more things and I am done. 

I thought of a couple other little updates that I forgot to include in the last post.

1. Proof he is growing - we are now transitioning to 3-6 month clothing.(Although that also proves he is a small little tyke.) He still fits in most of his 0-3 stuff, though it's getting a little snug and difficult to do up the snaps. He has no bum though, so he actually still fits in his newborn pants. Most of the 3-6 stuff drowns him, but that's good. Growing room. :)

2. He is a mover! Each time I lay him down for a nap, he is on his back with his head beneath the mobile. When I come back, he has almost always flipped a 180 and is on his side. Wiggly little guy.

I love this little boy so much. He brings me so much joy. Far more than words can express. I am so lucky. So incredibly blessed. Everything is going to be fine. I know the Lord is mindful of us. My brother gave me a wonderful blessing Sunday night when I finally broke down and just sobbed. (Sleep deprivation and incredible loneliness.) The thing that really stuck with me was just the reminder that the Atonement was not just for sins, but for our experiences. Our pains, our joys. My exhaustion, and my loneliness. My discouragement. My fears. My worries. He know them intimately. And that knowledge means that he is able to bring peace and comfort when nothing else can. And that means everything. Thank you for the reminder, Fred. And thank you for being a worthy Priesthood holder to bring me strength when I needed it most.

Life is good. It really is. In my discussion with Fred, he said he feels like I am near the peak of this mountain climb I am on. So close. The end is in sight. It doesn't mean that once I reach it everything will be easy. I will still have some climbing to do, but the worst will be behind me. 

I can do this. We all need a little pep talk sometimes. I give one to myself almost daily. I can do it. It will be worth it.