Two Pokes and Three Printouts Later

 I will be the first to admit that I am no good at math. (English major, remember?) But this equation I can follow rather easily:

One graduation+Two birthdays+Two weddings+No sleep = A slightly - to very - exhausted, somewhat emotionally unstable mommy.

I left P's pediatrician appointment today feeling really discouraged. Whenever I feel this way, I tend to wait things out until I am feeling better before posting, but there is no harm in admitting the spectrum of things here and there. :) 

First and foremost, P is in great condition. No health problems. No concerns. By all means, the visit was a success. But part of me just feels so incredibly warn down. Again, refer to the above equation and I think you can see why.

Pierscen's stats:

Head Circumference: 38.83% (68.38% at 2 months)
Length: 27.56% (73.81% at 2 months)        {24.5 inches}
Weight: 10.7% (34.52% at 2 months)         {13.49 lbs}

Does anyone else see the problem?

Okay, hold up. First off, there is no problem. The doctor was not concerned about any of the above. He is still growing. He is still healthy. Nothing wrong. There's the logical, pretending I am not about to drop dead, emotionally stable view of things.

Then there's the other part of me - illogical, really about to drop dead, emotionally unstable part of me. What the heck?! I am quite positive he is longer than that. But I know length is one of the hardest things to measure. The weight - well the actual poundage is just fine, but 10%?!? The truth of it is, these percentages don't really mean anything. Every kid is different. And as long as they are growing, and healthy, and happy, it doesn't matter if they are 10% or 90%. It really doesn't! The only reason I am concerned about it is because the one thing stressing me out more than anything moving towards this surgery is his weight. They want him to be 15 lbs or more. I don't think they will push it back if he doesn't reach it, but for his sake, I want him to be 15 lbs or more because that means he will do better. It may mean the difference between a transfusion or not. It may mean it won't be quite so hard on the little guy.

I told the Dr that I knew we couldn't figure out exactly how much he will weigh in a month, but could we guesstimate? Using the little graph they give you, we figure if he stays on the same line, he will be within ounces of 15 pounds. So that's really encouraging. But still, seeing that dramatic drop made me feel... I don't know... like I was failing some how. It's not like I am starving him. I feed that boy more than I would like most days. (Okay - most nights.) He eats and eats and eat. I know there isn't a way to quantify how much he is getting when he breastfeeds, but he always seems satisfied. And on the occasions that he hasn't, I give him some formula to top him off. So I am doing everything I can. But the charge from the Plastic and Neurosurgeon to "beef him up" has been haunting me ever since I left their offices. What more can I do?! And the answer is nothing! I can't do anything more than what I am doing. I am trying so hard. I am. And I know that's all they asked of me - just to do my best. And I have. So I shouldn't feel bad at all. But seeing that huge drop in percentages just made my heart sink. At least he should be within ounces of the bare minimum. I just wish I could have done more. Outside of this surgery, I wouldn't care at all that he was only in the 10th percentile. It wouldn't matter. But someone I feel like everything hinges on that one little number. So stupid. So emotionally fraught. I hate it. But it will be over soon. One more month. It will be over before I know it, and I will look back and wonder why I was so stressed. Everything will be okay. 

The Dr said no to cereal. He said they used to say 4 months, but there is now a bunch of reasons not too. I didn't ask what those were. I have heard from others that studies show it can lead to food allergies and gluten intolerance. I personally believe that he would probably be just fine if he started cereal, but I will hold off. My dilemma is whether to keep breastfeeding or just go to formula. I really want to keep breastfeeding. I know it's the best thing for him. I have nothing against formula whatsoever (except for cost) but breastfeeding really is easy, and nutritionally the best. However, it has also been a miserable experience for me. [For any male reader, this may be a TMI, but you also may find it scientifically interesting - as did my brother - as I will explain in a moment.] I have Raynaud's syndrome. I went back to my OB/GYN to discuss the pain I was having after breastfeeding. They say with burning, they typically look at yeast first, but if it had been yeast, it would have responded to my Purple People Eater treatment. The other likely culprit? Raynaud's syndrome. Raynaud's is typically associated with fingers and toes, but it can, in rare cases, happen in nipples. Basically it's where the blood vessels, when exposed to cold, or even cooler temperatures, constrict and spasm cutting off all blood flow. The area blanches (goes white) and eventually will relax and allow blood flow back in. The result is absolute nauseating, pins, knives, and fire types of pain radiating, shooting, and burning through the breast and nipple. Sounds like fun, right? It's not every time I feed, and it's not always crippling painful, but there are times that I climb back in bed after feeding him and lay there for 2 hours because the pain is so bad I can't sleep. The only thing I can really do is take B6 vitamins and heat pack it. It helps relieve the pain, but not always. When I told my brother, who graduates from medical school in two weeks about it, his response was,

"Shut up! You have that?! Diana, do you know they write about that in medical journals?! It's not common. Do your nipples blanch, and then go red when the blood flow comes back? It's super painful. As a medical professional - okay, I can't quite say that yet - but as a medical professional, I give you my permission to stop breastfeeding. Seriously. Stop." 

You gotta love being a medical anomaly. Haha.

So aaaannnnyyyywwwwaaaayyyy... that's my dilemma. The pediatrician, as a pediatrician, obviously doesn't really care as long as the boy gets fed. He encouraged me to keep breastfeeding if that's what I want to do, but it has to be right for me and my family. Yeah, well. I don't really know what's right. My goal was to get him to 6 months, but there are some days I am ready to quite cold turkey. (I wouldn't of course, because that would just result in even more issues, but it seems tempting.)


Wow. Now that's all behind us... Pierscen got his shots, and hated it, of course. It's heartbreaking, but far better than contracting one of those nasty diseases. 


He fell asleep on the way home and has since had some Tylenol, been fed, and is taking a nice nap. 


At this very moment, I am not sure how I feel about posting this. I don't like posting when I am not in my normal frame of mind. I don't like the idea of people thinking that I am weak. Although I am quite sure no one actually does. But I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling subject to my emotions, rather than me owning them. You know? But give it another week and life will be so much better. No graduations. No weddings. Just life - as if that isn't enough. Haha.

But! There is wonderful news - and it's what keeping me going right now. We are going to Wyoming to visit Ryan on Friday! My wonderful in-laws are driving us out for the weekend and I am so excited!!!! I miss Ryan more than I can possibly say. That is another reason this weekend has been so incredibly hard. It was physically and emotionally draining anyway, but to do it without Ryan really sucked. I am so grateful my in-laws are willing to take us out there. P needs his daddy. And I need my husband. 

Two more things and I am done. 

I thought of a couple other little updates that I forgot to include in the last post.

1. Proof he is growing - we are now transitioning to 3-6 month clothing.(Although that also proves he is a small little tyke.) He still fits in most of his 0-3 stuff, though it's getting a little snug and difficult to do up the snaps. He has no bum though, so he actually still fits in his newborn pants. Most of the 3-6 stuff drowns him, but that's good. Growing room. :)

2. He is a mover! Each time I lay him down for a nap, he is on his back with his head beneath the mobile. When I come back, he has almost always flipped a 180 and is on his side. Wiggly little guy.

I love this little boy so much. He brings me so much joy. Far more than words can express. I am so lucky. So incredibly blessed. Everything is going to be fine. I know the Lord is mindful of us. My brother gave me a wonderful blessing Sunday night when I finally broke down and just sobbed. (Sleep deprivation and incredible loneliness.) The thing that really stuck with me was just the reminder that the Atonement was not just for sins, but for our experiences. Our pains, our joys. My exhaustion, and my loneliness. My discouragement. My fears. My worries. He know them intimately. And that knowledge means that he is able to bring peace and comfort when nothing else can. And that means everything. Thank you for the reminder, Fred. And thank you for being a worthy Priesthood holder to bring me strength when I needed it most.

Life is good. It really is. In my discussion with Fred, he said he feels like I am near the peak of this mountain climb I am on. So close. The end is in sight. It doesn't mean that once I reach it everything will be easy. I will still have some climbing to do, but the worst will be behind me. 

I can do this. We all need a little pep talk sometimes. I give one to myself almost daily. I can do it. It will be worth it.