Surgery Day: ICU

What a ride! Depending on the moment, I may be able to laugh and joke around, and the next I may be unable to control the tears. Man, this has been hard!

About 30 mintues after the doctor came to talk to us, we were shown back to the ICU. He was crying as we came into the room. My heart instantly broke and the tears started flowing. I thought I was prepared, but... I am struggling to even find the words. 

 I think the thing that surprised me the most was how swollen he was already. They told us that day 2 would be when most of the eye swelling would begin, but his eyes were already swollen to the point that he was only able to get them open just a teenie tiny slit. (Unfortunately I was out of the room when he did it, so I didn't get to see it.) Most noteable was the swelling of his forehead above the nose.

 Our nurse told us that when he first came in he was screaming mad. She gave him some Morphine and he calmed down fairly quickly.

 He has a drain in his head to allow extra blood and fluid to come out. He had 2 IVs, one in each foot, as well as an arterial line. Ryan was surprised they didn't have to do a central line, as was the nurse, but that's a good thing. He is on oxygen, has a catheter, and is attached to blood pressure, heart, and resperation monitors.

We stayed with him for several hours. I was not squeamish with the amount of blood coming from the drain, but I still turned away and cried for a while. It's just so hard to see him like that! And I can only imagine what it would be like to be 5 months old, go to sleep being able to see, but waking up in lots of pain and unable to see anything. How terrifying must that be!

One of the Neurosurgeon team members (not our doc) and our nurse Deeana.

Around 3 pm Ryan and I decided to leave for a bit. We were able to get a room at the Ronald McDonald house and we needed to go check in and pick up the key before 5. We headed over to the main house where we did the basic check in. Then they sent us to the other house where our room was. I have to admit, I have heard of Ronald McDonald housing, but I really didn't know much about it. I am so impressed! And so humbled! The lady at the second house gave us a tour. When I say house, I mean that quite literally. It is located in one of the big, beautiful, historic houses on South Temple in Salt Lake City. She took us into the kitchen and explained that we could bring food in, or eat whatever was in the fridge or cupboards that didn't have a room number on it. There is more food there than in my own kitchen! Next we went into the living room area which is for entertaining guests. There is also a tv/game room more for children. Then she took us into the dining room "where we would take our meals." It has a long formal dining table, with big beautiful chairs. It looked like one where Ryan and I would sit at opposite ends and have the severants bring everything in. Haha. It was amazing. She then took us up the staircase which is large and grand. It reminds me of Titanic. Upstairs she showed us to our room which wasn't ready quite yet. If it had been I think we both would have taken a nap! She gave us the code to the door, some numbers to call incase we needed anything, and showed us where to sign in and out.

It was so amazing! I felt so overwhelmed by the generous nature of it all. I know it is only possible through the donations of others. I have never been on the receiving end of charity like that. It was humbling and inspiring. You better believe I will be donating to the cause in the future! 

After we had our tour of the house, we went to find food. We stopped at a burger joint on 1300 E. I have no idea what it was called. We just needed food. We sat down at one of the tables and we both began to cry. We were both emotionally and physically drained. "There's nothing I can do for him, Ryan!" I sobbed. "He must be so scared!" I know he is in amazing hands here. I know they are doing everything to keep him comfortable. I am not worried about him or his recovery. But I hate feeling so helpless. I am his mom! I feel like it is my job to make things better! It's my job to console, to explain, to comfort. And though I know being there for him, taking to him, and holding his hand is extremely important and helpful, it is still so discouraging to wish I could do more and know that I can't.

We sat across the table from each other holding hands and crying. There weren't too many people there and I don't think any one really noticed, but if they did, I don't care. We still had our stickers on from the morning that had Pierscen's name on it so they would know we were his parents.

I am so grateful Ryan was there. It was so wonderful to have his parents there as well, but there is nothing - and no one that can replace the strength and power of having Ryan by my side. Even when we are both crying and struggling to breath, have the other one to hold is more comforting than anything.

We eventually made our way back to the hospital. A break for air and food was really needed and we felt like we would better be able to cope. Clair and Ellen stayed with Pierscen while we were gone, so I am sure they were pretty hungry. They stayed around for a little while and then went home.

For the next couple of hours we took turns sitting by him and talking to him. Ryan watched some more Netflix shows and I read a little bit. While I was sitting there, I looked down at my feet and thought, "Huh. One of those is whiter than the other." Then I looked a little closer...

Hahahaha! They aren't even the same shoe! This is what happens when you get dressed at 4:30 am. Asics and Sauconys. Good shoes. Thankfully they are similar enough that I highly doubt anyone has noticed. Even since posting the top picture to Facebook it has taken a few people a while to notice that they are different. I can't stop laughing about it.

He finally woke up enough that we thought we would try to feed him. He hadn't had anything since 9:30pm the night before, so he had to be starving! He ate very slowly... just a swallow or two here and there, but he managed to eat 5 oz! We were so impressed! Go Pierscen!

We were able to stay with him until 7 pm when they have shift change and we have to leave the unit for an hour. We plopped down on the couch in the waiting room. I think we both would have passed out if we had closed our eyes for too long.

When we came back, our new nurse Sarah decided to give him a nice warm sponge bath. She had Ryan pick him up so she could arrange some more pillows and get him all situated. Even though it wasn't a "real" bath, I think it probably still felt pretty nice.

It was amazing to watch the swelling and the brusing grow right before our eyes. Within a matter of just a few hours he was already swelling quite a bit and the eyes were discoloring rapidly. It was hard to imagine what it would be like by the morning. They did tell us that most likely during the night they would make a cut in the turban to allow for extra swelling.

Around 9 pm our nurse let us know that they did have a sleep room for us. We had requested one earlier, even though we knew we had a room at the Ronald McDonald house because we couldn't decide whether to go or stay. Going into this I don't think that I ever would have considered leaving him. But standing in that room, bone-deep exhausted, listening to him cry and knowing that there was nothing we could do... it began to feel like a good idea to go. Besides, if we could both actually get some sleep, we would have more strength and stamina for the next day. I was especially concerned for Ryan since he would have to drive back to Wyoming. There is a recliner that turns into a bed in the room, but it certainly isn't very comfortable. The sleep room just has a single twin bed. We thought that if we stayed we could just take turns. But I just felt like that wouldn't do much good either because then neither of us would get a good night's rest and we would both still be exhausted. We decided we would head to the Ronald McDonald house and if we found we couldn't sleep from worry or stress, we could always come back. Ryan wanted to keep the sleep room as well because we could have it until 12 the next day and that way we would be able to take a nap if needed, but i felt horrible holding it if someone else needed it more. We asked our nurse and she double checked with the social worker and everyone had been placed in a room so we were okay to keep it. That made me feel much better.

We kissed P goodnight and walked out. That was incredibly hard to do. The whole way to the car I kept asking Ryan if he was okay with it. I knew it was for the best if we could get a decent night's sleep, but it was still agonizing walking away.

Ryan was hilarious once we got to the house. He has seen a few too many scary movies and was just sure that the place was either haunted or used as a mortuary, or both.

"See how wide that door is? They would only need one that wide if they were bringing in caskets."

"That's nice, honey." 

"What if our fireplace just bursts into flame? Swoosh!!!"

"We will be fine, babe."

"What was that?!"

"I don't know."

"See! I'm telling you..."

I just rolled my eyes and laughed. A few too many movies indeed. Ryan was in the middle of saying our evening prayer when the toilet made a loud sound - a partial flushing noise toilets sometimes make when there is a leak somewhere. Ryan shot up and almost off the bed, his sentence cut short in a loud gasp. I instantly starting laughing! I waited for him to calm down and finish the prayer before truly busting up.

"Didn't that scare you?!" he demanded.

"Not really," I replied. Yes, it startled me, but I wasn't actually scared. It took a while for his heart to stop pounding, but we were both eventually able to fall into a deep sleep.

It was such a long, exhausting day with more emotions than I can find words to describe. We are so blessed to live in this day and age where this is possible. We are incredibly lucky to have such amazing family and friends who love and support us and have been fasting and praying for us. I know they are the reason we are doing so well. The big scary part is over, and now we are just in for a long road of recovery. We couldn't be in a better place though. The staff is wonderful, and I know they will take wonderful care of my baby boy. I know angels are watching over him, both on this earth and on the other side of the veil.