No Words

We are on the countdown. Pierscen's surgery is scheduled to begin in 2 days, 10 hours, and 10 minutes. It has been a crazy ride of emotions, but it is finally almost here.

Ryan learned shortly after our visit to Wyoming that he would not be able to be here for the surgery. He has only accumulated one day off and can't take personal leave until he has worked there for 6 months. Even still, I told him to ask. All he could do was ask. I knew the answer would probably be no, but you never know. So he asked. They were willing to work with him, considering this is pretty major stuff, but the problem is, he only has 3 co-workers, and 2 of the 3 are going to be out of the state that week. It's kind of impossible to leave 1 person to do the work of 3 people. The lack of PTO and inability to take personal leave was just icing on the cake.

After he told me and we hung up the phone, I cried and cried. I knew all along that would be the answer, but it didn't make it any easier.

So as the surgery date as crept closer and closer, I have grown more and more anxious. It's not so much the surgery itself, although that is certainly a HUGE part of it, but it is more the thought of doing it alone. Granted, I am so incredibly lucky because I have both sides of my family here and I definitely won't be alone, but no one compares to having Ryan there.

He is my rock. Having him here for Memorial Day weekend was wonderful. We were able to pack a lot of stuff up and make some really good progress. We were also able to go on a date to see The Avengers which was a lot of fun. It was so hard to see him go. We both cried as he was about to walk out the door. He hugged me tight and told me to be strong.

I have tried. I have tried so hard. But I am so scared to do it without him! I know everything will be okay. This is a big, scary surgery. There is no softballing that. But I know it will be okay. Pierscen is going to pull through it like a champ. I just don't know if I will! Hahaha.

The plan is for Ryan's parents to drive me up and stay with me as long as I need them. They will be there for the whole surgery and as long as needed after. I am going to pack a bag and plan on staying there with Pierscen the whole time. My sister Necia is also planning to come up. She is great company and will be good distraction.

Primary's called this afternoon with times and instructions. We are to be there at 6 am. Scheduled start time is 7:30. No formula after midnight. Breastmilk until 3:30. Water, apple juice, or Pedialite until 4:30. After that, nothing. I think there is a good chance someone is going to be very cranky! We also need to go up Sunday sometime for lab work. I tried to see if they would fax the lab orders to UVRMC or Orem, but they said it has to be done at Primaries. Bummer.

Ryan called around 4 this afternoon. I asked him what he was up to and he said he was just driving around. I was surprised because he isn't allowed to talk to me while driving the company car. He said he wasn't in the company car, but in his own. I asked him why he was driving around in our car while he was on the clock. He replied he wasn't on the clock because his boss told him he could go around 3 today. I thought that was nice of him. So I asked what he was up to.

"I am actually on my way to Rawlins right now," he said.
"Why? What's in Rawlins?"
"I am coming to Utah to be with my wife and my boy..."
"Are you being serious?"
"...and I will be there until...Tuesday..."
"Ryan, are you SERIOUS? You aren't messing with me are you?"
"No. I'm serious. Is that okay?"
"Ryan..." The next several minutes were lost in tears. "How?!"
"I am going to call in sick on Monday. And Tuesday I will have off for compensation for working the weekend."
"But aren't your co-workers out of town? That will only leave one person!"
"Yes, but it's okay. John and I worked it out." (John is the boss.)
"Really?! Oh my gosh Ryan. I am so happy!" (Lots more crying, and laughing, followed by crying, and laughing). "Wait, how long have you known?"
"A few weeks."
"What?! Are you kidding me?! Was any of that true? About you not being able to make it?"
"Yes, it was all true. But John and I really did work it out."

Apparently he let his mom in on the secret this last Sunday as well and she had been keeping it quiet, though I learned after this conversation just how hard it had been on her. She wanted Ryan to tell me because she knew how hard this had been on me and how I was trying so hard to be strong. She told Ryan that I might appear tough, and maybe he hadn't seen me cry, but she had! But he promised that keeping it secret would be a good thing. And though I still think he is a punk, it is a good thing.

There are no words. I have never felt so light in my life. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. I feel like I can breath again. I do not fear Monday. Yes, we still need your prayers. This is still a major, major undertaking. (They are REMOVING 2/3 of his skull! 80% chance of a transfusion. 6 hour surgery. Ahhhhh!) But I feel so at peace. I know without any doubt that this is a direct blessing from a loving Heavenly Father who knows me so well. He would have supported me and bouyed me up if I had to do this alone, but he also knew how much I needed Ryan here. I know prayer and faith are real. I know He has heard and answers the prayers of many. And I know angels will be there to hold Pierscen's hand, to guide the surgeons, and to bring him through this. It may sound strange, but I am grateful for this experience and for this chance. My amazing boss told me the other day, "You are the one that was chosen to help him through this trial." I really needed to hear that. I was feeling so inadequate. I thanked her for telling me that and she responded, "Sometimes I am nto sure where the things come from that I type to you... But I have a pretty good idea." I do too. I am so grateful for the Spirit, and for the peace, calm and direction it brings. I am so thankful for the Atonement... for the knowledge that it wasn't just our sins the Savior suffered for, but for all the experiences we would go through - the good and the bad. It is a comfort to know that He is aware of our thoughts and feelings. We truly are not alone.

I am so thankful Ryan is coming. He should actually be here any minute. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us. Your faith and prayers have made this possible. I have been humbled by the outpouring of love and friendship as people have offered their support during this time. Everything from meals and babysitting, to sitting with me through the surgery. I cannot say thank you enough. I am going to take my laptop to the hospital so I can keep the blog updated. Thank you again. I love you all. i couldn't do this without you.