Losses Not Often Spoken Of

So... toward the end of October, I made a shocking discovery...

Now, I can honestly say that this was a shock... not because I didn't know "how" it happened... but because it happened WAY faster than expected. And then there was the small little bit of communication, or lack thereof, that made this situation a little sticky. Let me explain. 

I told Ryan that when my birth control prescription ran out, that I didn't want to refill it. P would be 18 months and it would be okay to at least stop preventing. His idea was that when I went to see my doctor that I should still ask for a refill, and then we could decide whether or not I was going to take them. Well, I thought I told him that the pills were done. And he thought I was taking them. So yeah, two months later, as surprising as it was to me, I knew Ryan would be floored.

Now let me just pause here to say that I wasn't afraid he would be mad or something. We definitely want more kids, but regardless of the timing, the decision to have kids is huge. And it's a big commitment. It takes a lot of mental preparation, cause kids are awesome, but terrifying. I say that in the most loving way possible. :)

So I wasn't sure how to break the news. I tried to prep him a few times before I had taken the test - just letting him know it was a posibility, but it didn't really sink in.  

The day I took the test, I went to Target and found this shirt. I figured that would be a fun way to tell him. When Ryan came home for lunch, I changed Pierscen into the shirt and sent him out wearing it to show it off. Per Nicia's request, I recorded it. I'm so very glad I did. 

I'm sorry, but isn't that hilarious! I knew his reaction would be something close to passing out! That, and a kind of glazed disbelief. But he wasn't the only one. When I got pregnant with Pierscen, I knew without a doubt that I was pregnant. Taking the test was really just for an external confirmation, but Ryan and I already knew. And we were really excited!

With this one... something just felt... off. It's kind of hard to explain. It's not that I wasn't excited - I was just in this suspended disbelief. It didn't seem real. Maybe it was because it took us 7 months to get pregnant with Pierscen, and the decision to even start trying began LONG before that. Maybe it was the small, but major factor that I was never quite sure if Ryan knew I was off the pill. That, and because we weren't "trying," to be pregnant only two months later - wow! 

Anyway, we both had a hard enough time believing it that I took several more tests just to confirm. All positive. 

So I called the doctor. Unfortunately, the office I go to was so crazy booked that they wouldn't be able to get me in until the end of November for a dating ultrasound, and then the 9th of Dec for my first real visit. At that point I would already be 12 weeks. I guess the plus side is that it would make it go by fast. 

The next day, or who knows, maybe it was even that same day, I started spotting. I tried not to panic. I know a lot of women who spot during early pregnancy. I wasn't cramping or anything, so I tried not to think much of it. But I also decided not to call my doctor because in my experience in the medical field, it's extremely rare that they can do anything to stop a miscarriage - especially that early on. 

So my emotions were a little frayed. I know this may sound horrible, but the thought of losing the baby wasn't as upsetting as I thought it would be. Again, maybe it's the medical part of me, but I know that typically speaking, if you miscarry, there is something wrong with the fetus. It was the not knowing that really kept me frazzled. Toward the end of the week, I called my brother Fred to ask him his thoughts on prayer. I was really struggling to know what I should pray for. Should I pray to keep it knowing that if there was something wrong with the fetus, that losing it would actually be the best thing? I wondered, if it's going to happen, and in a way, it should happen, should I really pray for it to be otherwise? Of course, this whole conversation was a hypothetical situation and by the end, Fred, sensing something was wrong, asked me if I was okay. So I broke down sobbing and told him I was pregnant but that I thought I was going to lose it. 

Apparently I was more emotionally worked up than I thought. It was really good to talk to him and I appreciate his listening ear. 

Saturday night/Sunday morning I came down with the stomach flu and spent a horrible night puking my guts out and shaking uncontrollably. I found an angel of mercy to teach music time in primary for me last minute, and I stayed home from church to rest. That night, though I was much better from the flu, I miscarried. 

Miscarriage is a strange thing in our culture. It's almost a conversational taboo. I'm not really sure why. And yet, as I think to myself that it shouldn't be something to hide, I find myself not wanting to talk about it. First of all, it is personal. So yes, I understand that. It can also be painful emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Not stuff we necessarily want to open up about. But yet, as perhaps under simplified as this may be - it happens. It shouldn't be something we need to keep a secret. If you choose not to talk about it, that's fine! But if you feel you need to keep it hush hush, like my first impulse was, I'm not sure that's the best way to handle it either. 

I'm not sharing this for sympathy or attention. I made the decision to share it because I felt that if nothing else, maybe it would help someone else know that they are not alone. Once I decided to be open about it, I felt really relieved. It felt nice not to be carrying this burden by myself. And it's amazing how many other women - family and friends have had miscarriages. Sometimes it's just good to talk about it!

About a week following me breaking the news, these gorgeous flowers arrived in the mail. I've never had flowers mailed to me before!  The note that came with it had the following message:

There was no name on it, but I knew it had to have been from Fred and Jari. I sent them both a text thanking them. Fred denied it, but when I sent a clarifying text asking if it was Jari, he said yes. Thank you Jari. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.

The flowers were super flowers. Seriously. I have never seen flowers last so long and look so beautiful. Even when they finally started dying, they didn't look like they were dying. They would just drop petal by petal. I loved getting up and seeing them each day - bright and beautiful, and full of hope.

Physically I am doing okay. I know every miscarriage is different, and that was part of the frustrating part. I just wanted the doctor to be able to tell me step by step what I could expect - but it varies so much from person to person that that isn't really possible. The first few days really sucked, but things got much better after that.

Emotionally, I am okay too. When I learned that I was actually miscarrying, I truthfully felt at peace. Was I sad? Definitely. But I was also just grateful to have an answer. The hardest part was that for days on end, Ryan would periodically ask, "Are you really pregnant?" Then the day that I miscarried, he made a comment about how Pierscen was ready for a sibling, and I shook my head with tears in my eyes and told him I had lost it. He replied, "Ah man! Just when I was getting used to the idea." I was 8 weeks along.

I know it might sound strange, but one of the reasons I was afraid to post about the miscarriage is because emotionally I have done so well. I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me. Like I was a heartless beast. But that's something that I've learned from this - everyone experiences something different. And individual circumstances add a lot to it. I felt from the get-go that something was wrong, so perhaps that made it easier when it did happen. Granted, if I miscarry again, it will be much harder I am sure. Cause with each loss, I think it only makes you realize how much you do want it. I find myself being perfectly happy until I hear friends and family talk about their pregnancies. Then it brings back a pang of loss. But it's okay. It really is. And you know what? The fact that I am okay is okay too. I know Heavenly Father is in charge. I really hope to have more kids in the future, but if it's not in the cards for me, then I will try my best to trust in Him. 

If anything, I just want others to know that they are not alone. I'm not pretending to be able to understand and know exactly what others are feeling or going through. I do recognize how blessed I am to have Pierscen. And I know there are others that have been through so much more than what I have. But if at all possible, I want to start breaking down some of the barriers we put up about the subject. If it is by choice because it is too personal or painful, then that is fine. But if you feel that you shouldn't open up because "that's something you don't talk about," don't believe it. That's one of the wonderful things about being here on earth. We are here to lift and support each other in our trials and triumphs. This is no different. I am grateful to my family and friends who have offered there love and support. It has meant the world to me.