The Worth Of The Eternities

Yesterday, as most of you know via Facebook, was Pierscen's one year post-op mark. Can you believe that? It's already been a year! I've been debating whether I should do a post or not, but hey, this is my blog, my memories, my thoughts and my impressions. I won't say much, at least not in the way you think I might. 

Of course, I could never say enough about modern medicine. I could never adequately express my love and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for providing the means to make things right. I could never say enough about much love I have for my son, and because this surgery was possible, he now has a chance for a normal life. Could I ever find the words to express even a portion of that love? And the hope and future I see in his eyes each and every day? I don't think so.

However, my thoughts have taken me a little bit of a different direction. 

Anticipation: expectant waiting: the feeling of looking forward, usually excitedly or eagerly, to something that is going to happen.

Expectant waiting. I like that. Anticipation is not always excitement. But it is always expectant. Think of all the things we await expectantly. Dates, weddings, tests, work, eating, you name it. For better or worse, that anticipation hovers, gnaws at you, makes your stomach twist and your heart thump. And when the moment arrives - whether for the good or the bad - there is release. 

Think about where you were a year ago. Think of the things you have experienced. The good and the bad. Do you wish you would have known? Do you wish someone could have warned you? 

I'd be willing to bet that no, all in all, you wouldn't want to know. Maybe because knowing the awful things you would have to face would make the future all the more dreaded. Or, on the other hand, perhaps it would take away the sweet joy of surprise and happiness when things turn out amazing. I think there is enough expectant waiting with the limited vision of the future we are given to be sufficient. 

But now looking back, isn't it amazing to see the things you thought you could never face, are over? And the things you were looking forward too were just as wonderful as you thought they were going to be? And now you have some wonderful memories! The good and the bad combine in a near seamlessly woven fabric that to me proves more than anything that our Heavenly Father is very much in charge, and very much aware of who we are and where we are at in our lives. He knows what we need, both the challenges and the rewards. And the culmination of all those experiences, all that expectant waiting is a divinely plotted course toward our Heavenly Home. 

I can now say that the anticipation and the anxiety I felt leading up to Pierscen's surgery were coupled rather well with reality. I knew that the surgery would go well and I knew things would be okay. But I also knew that it would be really hard to watch my son be in pain, temporarily sightless, and confused. But the thing I dreaded almost more than anything was the recovery. I was so scared to take care of him on my own. I couldn't believe the doctors when they said that recovery wouldn't be that bad.

So many times in life we experience things that we think will either make or break us. We can't see how we are going to manage on our own. And when we come through the ordeal and realize that we are still alive, we often wonder, but will I ever be the same? How can I move forward now? 

Craniosynostosis isn't a life threatening condition. It is not a terminal disorder. But it very much would have been a threat to his ability to live a healthy, functioning life. Surgery was absolutely necessary to manually correct the things that would have disfigured him physically, mentally, and emotionally.

 One Month Post-Op

I think we all come to this earth with our own versions of craniosynostosis. We all have places in our hearts and minds that fused/hardened prematurely and need remodeling if we are to make it through this life. That's what this earth life is all about. Without the ups and downs, without the challenges - some mild and some horrific - our lives would be limited. We would be handicapped, unable to progress.

 Two Months Post-Op

 Three Month Post-Op

 Four Month Post-Op

Stepping out of the settling dust from life's storms, we may be nervous to see ourselves again. We may be afraid of the scars and wounds we still bare. But one thing that I have learned from this experience with Pierscen is that often we expect this huge change. We expect to see someone that wasn't there before. But as I have been looking at these pictures of him month by month, the changes are so discrete at times they aren't even noticeable. I look at his picture from before the surgery and I look at his picture from yesterday, and they are still the same child. I count the differences in teeth, hair length, and a couple pounds and inches. He is the same boy. He is the same amazing child. He's just a bit more symmetrical now. :)

Five Month Post-Op

 Six Month Post-Op

Seven Month Post-Op

When you come upon life's storms and you wonder how you are going to pull through, know that you are in the Master's hands. He is molding you. He is refining you. He is making you a bit more symmetrical. :) And he is giving you a chance at a fuller life. And when he sets you on your own two feet again and you wonder just as I did how you will do it on your own, remember, He is still there. You're never really alone. The Atonement isn't just for repentance. It is for comfort and direction. And when you think the scars are too great and that all people will see in you are the wounds, the bumps, the bruises, the screws and plates, take comfort in knowing that instead they see you (He sees you) as a whole. They will see the difference in increments - in your growth, in your smile, the light in your eyes, in the way you respond, in the things you do and say, and the way you handle the next set of life's curve balls. 

Eight Month Post-Op

Nine Month Post-Op

I remember the doctors trying to convince me of how resilient children are and how quickly they heal. I may not have believed them at first, but they certainly proved their case. Within a week P was back to himself. 

 Ten Month Post-Op

 Eleven Month Post-Op

We are blessed with the knowledge that we are literal sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. He knows us. He cares for us. He wants the best for us. And sometimes that includes some reconstructive surgery. But we can be spiritually resilient. We can bounce back from the blows life deals us because we know that there is Someone in charge. We are not alone. And we have a glorious future ahead of us. What isn't worth the eternities? It doesn't mean it won't hurt. It doesn't mean you won't feel blinded or confused. And it doesn't mean you won't question. But take comfort in knowing you are in the hands of the very best. Hold your head up proudly. Remember who you are and who He is making you to be. 

One Year Post-Op