Don't Count Me Out Yet

Shortly after Pierscen and I joined Ryan in Casper this last summer, I attended my first Relief Society activity. It was located in one of the sister's backyards (a large, beautiful area with great gardening space and fruit trees). Before things got started, various groups were gathered and chit chatting. Though I was not intentionally eavesdropping, I caught a small piece of a conversation taking place at another table. One of the sisters who I am guessing is in her 50's said, "Someday when I write my best selling novel..."

I didn't catch the rest of it. That sentence struck me with horrifying force. I am a fraud, I thought. I have been saying this exact same sentence for years, and suddenly I had a visual of myself in my 50's (not that that's all that old... but ya know) still saying the same thing and doing absolutely nothing about it. Granted, I feel I have been "mature" about it over the last few years. Though writing a best selling novel is a dream of mine, I know that you have to pay the bills in the mean time. Thus full time employment at the hospital, lots of piano students, and even teaching dance for a time. However, where my "maturity" failed me (and by mature I simply mean that I knew I had to work vs just saying "good luck Ryan" while I stayed home to write) is that I didn't work on anything at all. I had a million excuses, sure, some of them valid, some of them crap. But regardless I was nothing but talk. I had lots of ideas, but I didn't feel any of them were really going anywhere. (I also didn't invest the time to help them go somewhere either.) But all along when people would ask me what I got my degree in I would say, "English - Creative Writing." Every time I would get that blank stare that I knew all to well meant, "Why would you do something like that? What on earth are you going to do with a degree in Creative Writing?" Well, that may be a valid question, but I can say that my degree absolutely helped me in my course of work at the hospital. It's not an obvious match, but it did help. And of course, I would always add that I want to be an author. 

To give myself credit, I did start working on one book. I was really excited about it, but I didn't make it beyond a couple of pages. I still like the plot for that book, but it needs some revamping.

The other day I was watching Family Guy, (awful show, I know, but it has its moments) and Brian, who is always striving to be an author too, finally writes a script for a play that does pretty well and he enjoys some small town fame and great reviews in the paper. All goes well until he reads a script Stewie wrote and realizes that his own play was "garbage" in comparison. Stewie takes his play to the "big leagues" and Brian, in his mourning I guess you could say, says the following to Stewie,

"I was so happy until I read your play Stewie. I finally had some kind of success as a writer. It wasn't big, but it was mine. I was fine being an okay writer until I discovered I was living in the house with a brilliant one. I know we don't talk about doggie years a lot but I just wish you could have waited to find out how talented you were until I was gone. By the time I am dead you won't even be 10. You'll have 70 more years to be great. I just wish I could have had 5 to be good."

Stewie replies, "There's your voice, Brian. It's a depressing voice, but it's yours. Write from that."

Brian's little monologue really struck home. I will admit, I may have even teared up a bit. I am not a "great" writer. (In fact, I am sure there have been many people who have read by blog and wondered how I could even fancy myself a writer. I am totally aware that my blog is riddled with typos and grammatical issues. I am not good at proofreading my own stuff and quite honestly I don't like doing it. And, just to try and defend myself a little more, when I am writing a book or a paper, my "voice" is different than it is here. That and time spent on trying to come up with accurate descriptions and plots is quite different too.) Anyway, I know I am not the best writer, and though I would LOVE to be a best selling author, I realize the chance of that is pretty darn slim. And you know what? That's okay. What I would love, is just like Brian said - success that "isn't big, but it was mine." To be able to walk into a store and see YOUR book with YOUR name on it. Wow. Wouldn't that be AWESOME?! And what would be even more cool is if someone other than family or friends bought it. Someone with no "obligation" to do so. And if that person liked it, well... yeah, that would be icing on the cake.

Well, don't count me out yet. I have started writing again. It may have taken my sister-in-law starting her own book to motivate me to start mine, but I am working on it. For me, the next big hurdle is allowing other people in. I have a really hard time letting other people read my stuff. I mean, when I was in school it was no big deal. It was part of the process. But for whatever reason now it is so much harder. It's a vulnerability that is hard to describe. I do want honest feedback, but it is terrifying to think that the feedback might not be what you want to hear. No one likes criticism, but it is part of the process. For me, it's just hard to separate myself from the critique. It's not me they are critiquing, it is my writing. In some ways one and the same, but in other ways, very much separate. Besides the critique though, some part of my silly old brain worries about people stealing my ideas. Pretty paranoid and selfish, right? I just have to "find my voice" and go for it. I might not ever get published, but I need to stop letting fear of "failure" get in my way. Writing makes me happy. And hey, if I think it's good, who cares what everyone else thinks, right? Haha. Besides that, self publishing is all the rage right now. :)

On a different note, (no pun intended) I have been thinking about music a lot lately too. I am not a great pianist. Some days I wouldn't even venture to call myself "good." I think I probably could have been if I had worked harder, talked less, and spent less time writing my own songs. I had an incredible teacher who was crazy supportive of me. I wasted so much lesson time blabbing away with her. It was honestly not my goal to avoid actually playing during lesson time, but I loved talking to her. And she was so good, kind and understanding that she helped me fuel my love for writing music rather than force me to perfect my Hanon exercises. 

A few months ago when I bought my piano, Morris, the man I was purchasing the piano from, asked me to play something. This is always hard for me because I have nothing memorized. I was never very good at memorization and unfortunately, I didn't have any Bach or Mozart up my sleeve. I tried to worm my way out of it, and then realized I could play one of my own compositions. It sure sounds fancy, but that's only because I have played it so many times I can make it sound difficult by speeding it up. Hahaha. Anyway, the song made him cry and ever since then he has been asking me to record it somehow and send it to him. I finally sat down and recorded it on my phone a half dozen times, none of which were perfect, and finally uploaded it to YouTube. Then the giant dilemma arose. (I swear only I would find a dilemma in something like this. I over think EVERYTHING.) Make the video public or private? Public or private? Well, I could keep it private and send it to Morris and that would be that. Easy. But if I went public, well... it would be fun to get compliments, but that also allows for critique. (That dang critique again.) How sad would it be to get a thumbs down?! And what if someone stole it? I mean, it's MY music. I wrote it. Could someone take it? (You are probably thinking, "Wow, she must really think highly of herself if she is always worried about people stealing her stuff.") And in a way, you would be right. But it's less that I think I am so awesome, cause I don't, and more exactly what Brian said, "It wasn't big, but it was mine."

Well, I kept it private, sent it to Morris, then changed my mind. I made it public. It's not like a lot of people were going to suddenly flock to it. In fact the chances of people finding it were/are so crazy slim that I figured that was the best way to go. If people stumble across it, fine. A couple days later I was checking my email when I saw that someone had "subscribed" to my channel and left the comment, "Nice! Really liked it." Who was this person? I have no idea!!! That's the magic of it! It wasn't family or friends or anyone that felt like they had to comment. I have no idea how this guy stumbled across it (well, obviously by typing in something that I used for one of my video tags) but the fact is, he had no obligation to comment or like it. But he did! I can't even tell you how thrilling that was to me. One person. One person in this huge world liked my song. That feeling is almost as great as being given the "best selling author" title. Okay, well, maybe not, but still. It was awesome!

Herein lies my question. (Didn't know this was leading to a question, did ya?) Actually, I don't really know what my question is. I have been thinking a lot about talents lately. Please be patient with me. I feel a big chunk of my personality is at odds with itself. I like compliments. Who doesn't? But I have a very hard time excepting them. (Thus my paranoia with people reading my books or listening to my music - I feel like if people compliment them, they do so because they feel like they have to.) I love to perform, but it terrifies me. I want people to hear my music, but I don't want people to think I am looking for attention. (I called my brother James after I got that first "like" on my song and told him all about it. He is the opposite of me and very much believes in promoting and trying to get it seen as much as possible. I am just too embarrassed to do so. He put the link to my song on his Facebook page and tagged me in it. It made me really happy, but I don't think I could have done it myself. But then he must have erased the post because the link disappeared. That made me sad, but I didn't ask him about it or post the link myself.) I struggle with the balance between sharing talent, and looking like I want attention. Where is the balance? The reason why people are successful in this world is because they share and pursue their talents. So why do I have such a hard time with this? Probably because I care too much what people think. I have no desire to be the next Jon Schmidt or Marie Digby (a chick that did a lot of covers and original pieces on YouTube and actually got a contract out of it.) Like I said, I love to perform, but that's not my future. What I would love, however, is to have my music written out and available for sale in music stores. I wouldn't make any money off it, but to have other people buying and learning my music - GOLDEN!  So what do I do guys? If anyone has made it through this post, I guess I am desperately hoping someone will understand what I am asking (while not actually asking it) and have the answer. How do I find that balance of being paranoid that all compliments are obligatory, and how do I find the confidence to share my music without feeling like I am reaching for attention? I'm not! I'm not trying to be all, "Look how awesome I am." I just want to share my music. I like it. So maybe someone else would too. Haha. 

Well here is a start. Here is the link to my song. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8UM_ZDOWvE   

I am trying to understand what the Lord meant in the parable of the talents. I don't want to bury mine, but I severely lack the confidence to go out and "multiply mine by ten." Thoughts anyone?