As mentioned, I don't know, a couple dozen times before, Ryan and I are not winter people. So we have done our best to try and find small projects to work on to keep us busy. Here are a few of the updates we've made:
New hardware for the kitchen. It's a small thing, but it makes a big difference. We replaced all the wood/bronze hardware with stainless steel. Okay, okay, it's actually brushed nickle, but that's okay. It looks like stainless steel. We replaced all the handles and the hinges (though the pictures still show the bronze hinges.)
Some day we will upgrade to stainless steel appliances too and then it will look really sharp. :) Also in store, new countertops and backsplash. Currently, the backsplash consists of the same yellow Formica as the counter itself. Not very pretty. Unfortunately, all of these upgrades are pricey, so they will come little bits at a time.
We also replaced the hardware for the vanity in our bedroom:
Bet you can't tell which one is the old vs new. :) Also in store, new countertops, sinks, faucets, and lighting.
Our "Black Friday" splurge (it was really just sometime around Thanksgiving - not actually Black Friday) was new interior doors. Home Depot had a sale for a free upgrade to a solid core door. We have been wanting to replace our doors anyway, that getting solid doors for the price of hallow? Heck yeah! The doors we had were the plain stained wood ones - no decorative cuts, hallow, and falling apart. Thanks to the dogs that lived here before, many of the doors had nasty scratches and chew marks. In fact, the door going downstairs, besides not being able to close all the way, had splinters coming off left and right. More than once we had to stop Pierscen from pulling wood off and eating it. We opted to save even more money by getting doors that did not have the holes precut for the handle, or grooves for the hinges. Making the cuts for these certainly made it a much more labor-intensive change, but it was worth it.
All together we replaced 8 doors. Five on the main floor, three upstairs. They still need to be painted. (I really need to get my act together and see if we have the matching white in a can downstairs. The previous owners left us lots of paint, most of which is labeled - just not the white ones.)
Changing them to white doors was a huge improvement. It made everything feel so much more spacious and clean.
That carpet has got to go...
I finally hung the first "personal" picture - The Family: A Proclamation to the World.
I have been waiting for years to have a place of our own that I could finally really decorate, but now that I can, I find I am rather intimidated by the process. We actually don't have a ton of art work because we had no need for it before. Yet art work really makes a house a home. You know?
One of Ryan's projects was building himself a work bench. With the exception of the pegboard backing, pretty much all of the wood used was scrap wood from Home Depot at .51 cents a piece. Pretty sweet!
The finished product cost probably $25. Pretty snazy, right?
On one of the weekends when it warmed up, Ryan decided to tackle the tree between us and our neighbors to the east. We don't have a ladder yet, so this was pretty difficult. We do have a chainsaw, but it was low on gas, so he couldn't lift it above his head without it dying (not that that's safe anyway.) So he climbed up and started sawing away using a bow saw. Talk about hard!
This branch rolled lightly down the roof and stopped where I was able to push it up and over the railing on the deck.
Going...
Going...
Gone.
With all the main branches down, we gathered them up and Ryan cut up the ones that could be used for firewood later. The rest of them we tossed into a giant pile in the unfinished driveway section. All piled up, it looked a lot like the wall of thorns in Sleeping Beauty Prince Philip has to fight his way through to fight the dragon. In fact, this darn tree it quite thorny. Beside the fact that it is tearing the fence apart, it is a mean tree!
It really is unfortunate that of all the trees we have in our ward, there isn't one that was placed where it wasn't going to ruin the fence or get tangled in telephone or power lines. Bummer.
We have lots ahead of us, but progress is progress! :)
Shortly after Pierscen and I joined Ryan in Casper this last summer, I attended my first Relief Society activity. It was located in one of the sister's backyards (a large, beautiful area with great gardening space and fruit trees). Before things got started, various groups were gathered and chit chatting. Though I was not intentionally eavesdropping, I caught a small piece of a conversation taking place at another table. One of the sisters who I am guessing is in her 50's said, "Someday when I write my best selling novel..."
I didn't catch the rest of it. That sentence struck me with horrifying force. I am a fraud, I thought. I have been saying this exact same sentence for years, and suddenly I had a visual of myself in my 50's (not that that's all that old... but ya know) still saying the same thing and doing absolutely nothing about it. Granted, I feel I have been "mature" about it over the last few years. Though writing a best selling novel is a dream of mine, I know that you have to pay the bills in the mean time.
Thus full time employment at the hospital, lots of piano students, and even teaching dance for a time. However, where my "maturity" failed me (and by mature I simply mean that I knew I had to work vs just saying "good luck Ryan" while I stayed home to write) is that I didn't work on anything at all. I had a million excuses, sure, some of them valid, some of them crap. But regardless I was nothing but talk. I had lots of ideas, but I didn't feel any of them were really going anywhere. (I also didn't invest the time to help them go somewhere either.) But all along when people would ask me what I got my degree in I would say, "English - Creative Writing." Every time I would get that blank stare that I knew all to well meant, "Why would you do something like that? What on earth are you going to do with a degree in Creative Writing?" Well, that may be a valid question, but I can say that my degree absolutely helped me in my course of work at the hospital. It's not an obvious match, but it did help. And of course, I would always add that I want to be an author.
To give myself credit, I did start working on one book. I was really excited about it, but I didn't make it beyond a couple of pages. I still like the plot for that book, but it needs some revamping.
The other day I was watching Family Guy, (awful show, I know, but it has its moments) and Brian, who is always striving to be an author too, finally writes a script for a play that does pretty well and he enjoys some small town fame and great reviews in the paper. All goes well until he reads a script Stewie wrote and realizes that his own play was "garbage" in comparison. Stewie takes his play to the "big leagues" and Brian, in his mourning I guess you could say, says the following to Stewie,
"I was so happy until I read your play Stewie. I finally had some kind of success as a writer. It wasn't big, but it was mine. I was fine being an okay writer until I discovered I was living in the house with a brilliant one. I know we don't talk about doggie years a lot but I just wish you could have waited to find out how talented you were until I was gone. By the time I am dead you won't even be 10. You'll have 70 more years to be great. I just wish I could have had 5 to be good."
Stewie replies, "There's your voice, Brian. It's a depressing voice, but it's yours. Write from that."
Brian's little monologue really struck home. I will admit, I may have even teared up a bit. I am not a "great" writer. (In fact, I am sure there have been many people who have read by blog and wondered how I could even fancy myself a writer. I am totally aware that my blog is riddled with typos and grammatical issues. I am not good at proofreading my own stuff and quite honestly I don't like doing it. And, just to try and defend myself a little more, when I am writing a book or a paper, my "voice" is different than it is here. That and time spent on trying to come up with accurate descriptions and plots is quite different too.) Anyway, I know I am not the best writer, and though I would LOVE to be a best selling author, I realize the chance of that is pretty darn slim. And you know what? That's okay. What I would love, is just like Brian said - success that "isn't big, but it was mine." To be able to walk into a store and see YOUR book with YOUR name on it. Wow. Wouldn't that be AWESOME?! And what would be even more cool is if someone other than family or friends bought it. Someone with no "obligation" to do so. And if that person liked it, well... yeah, that would be icing on the cake.
Well, don't count me out yet. I have started writing again. It may have taken my sister-in-law starting her own book to motivate me to start mine, but I am working on it. For me, the next big hurdle is allowing other people in. I have a really hard time letting other people read my stuff. I mean, when I was in school it was no big deal. It was part of the process. But for whatever reason now it is so much harder. It's a vulnerability that is hard to describe. I do want honest feedback, but it is terrifying to think that the feedback might not be what you want to hear. No one likes criticism, but it is part of the process. For me, it's just hard to separate myself from the critique. It's not me they are critiquing, it is my writing. In some ways one and the same, but in other ways, very much separate. Besides the critique though, some part of my silly old brain worries about people stealing my ideas. Pretty paranoid and selfish, right? I just have to "find my voice" and go for it. I might not ever get published, but I need to stop letting fear of "failure" get in my way. Writing makes me happy. And hey, if I think it's good, who cares what everyone else thinks, right? Haha. Besides that, self publishing is all the rage right now. :)
On a different note, (no pun intended) I have been thinking about music a lot lately too. I am not a great pianist. Some days I wouldn't even venture to call myself "good." I think I probably could have been if I had worked harder, talked less, and spent less time writing my own songs. I had an incredible teacher who was crazy supportive of me. I wasted so much lesson time blabbing away with her. It was honestly not my goal to avoid actually playing during lesson time, but I loved talking to her. And she was so good, kind and understanding that she helped me fuel my love for writing music rather than force me to perfect my Hanon exercises.
A few months ago when I bought my piano, Morris, the man I was purchasing the piano from, asked me to play something. This is always hard for me because I have nothing memorized. I was never very good at memorization and unfortunately, I didn't have any Bach or Mozart up my sleeve. I tried to worm my way out of it, and then realized I could play one of my own compositions. It sure sounds fancy, but that's only because I have played it so many times I can make it sound difficult by speeding it up. Hahaha. Anyway, the song made him cry and ever since then he has been asking me to record it somehow and send it to him. I finally sat down and recorded it on my phone a half dozen times, none of which were perfect, and finally uploaded it to YouTube. Then the giant dilemma arose. (I swear only I would find a dilemma in something like this. I over think EVERYTHING.) Make the video public or private? Public or private? Well, I could keep it private and send it to Morris and that would be that. Easy. But if I went public, well... it would be fun to get compliments, but that also allows for critique. (That dang critique again.) How sad would it be to get a thumbs down?! And what if someone stole it? I mean, it's MY music. I wrote it. Could someone take it? (You are probably thinking, "Wow, she must really think highly of herself if she is always worried about people stealing her stuff.") And in a way, you would be right. But it's less that I think I am so awesome, cause I don't, and more exactly what Brian said, "It wasn't big, but it was mine."
Well, I kept it private, sent it to Morris, then changed my mind. I made it public. It's not like a lot of people were going to suddenly flock to it. In fact the chances of people finding it were/are so crazy slim that I figured that was the best way to go. If people stumble across it, fine. A couple days later I was checking my email when I saw that someone had "subscribed" to my channel and left the comment, "Nice! Really liked it." Who was this person? I have no idea!!! That's the magic of it! It wasn't family or friends or anyone that felt like they had to comment. I have no idea how this guy stumbled across it (well, obviously by typing in something that I used for one of my video tags) but the fact is, he had no obligation to comment or like it. But he did! I can't even tell you how thrilling that was to me. One person. One person in this huge world liked my song. That feeling is almost as great as being given the "best selling author" title. Okay, well, maybe not, but still. It was awesome!
Herein lies my question. (Didn't know this was leading to a question, did ya?) Actually, I don't really know what my question is. I have been thinking a lot about talents lately. Please be patient with me. I feel a big chunk of my personality is at odds with itself. I like compliments. Who doesn't? But I have a very hard time excepting them. (Thus my paranoia with people reading my books or listening to my music - I feel like if people compliment them, they do so because they feel like they have to.) I love to perform, but it terrifies me. I want people to hear my music, but I don't want people to think I am looking for attention. (I called my brother James after I got that first "like" on my song and told him all about it. He is the opposite of me and very much believes in promoting and trying to get it seen as much as possible. I am just too embarrassed to do so. He put the link to my song on his Facebook page and tagged me in it. It made me really happy, but I don't think I could have done it myself. But then he must have erased the post because the link disappeared. That made me sad, but I didn't ask him about it or post the link myself.) I struggle with the balance between sharing talent, and looking like I want attention. Where is the balance? The reason why people are successful in this world is because they share and pursue their talents. So why do I have such a hard time with this? Probably because I care too much what people think. I have no desire to be the next Jon Schmidt or Marie Digby (a chick that did a lot of covers and original pieces on YouTube and actually got a contract out of it.) Like I said, I love to perform, but that's not my future. What I would love, however, is to have my music written out and available for sale in music stores. I wouldn't make any money off it, but to have other people buying and learning my music - GOLDEN! So what do I do guys? If anyone has made it through this post, I guess I am desperately hoping someone will understand what I am asking (while not actually asking it) and have the answer. How do I find that balance of being paranoid that all compliments are obligatory, and how do I find the confidence to share my music without feeling like I am reaching for attention? I'm not! I'm not trying to be all, "Look how awesome I am." I just want to share my music. I like it. So maybe someone else would too. Haha.
Well here is a start. Here is the link to my song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8UM_ZDOWvE
I am trying to understand what the Lord meant in the parable of the talents. I don't want to bury mine, but I severely lack the confidence to go out and "multiply mine by ten." Thoughts anyone?
2012... The year the world was supposed to end. Ryan and I had a lot of fun joking about the end of the world in the years of marriage leading up to it. As it turns out, in our tiny view of the grand scheme of things, 2012 really did look to be an important year. That being said, it was easy to use the demise of said world as an excuse to avoid a lot of uncomfortable topics. School. Jobs. Children...
Our fall back answer for pretty much any life altering question was, "Hey, if the world is going to end, why bother?!"
It's amazing how life works...
2012... The year the world was supposed to end... and the year ours truly began.
The year began in the most miraculous way possible: new life. Yes, Pierscen was technically born in 2011, but I went home from the hospital on New Years Eve. Our new life was beginning with the dawning of the new year. We experienced our first major diaper blowout that night. I was getting little P up out of bed for a feeding in the middle of the night when I felt something all over his pajamas and bed. I had no idea what to do or where to begin. I frantically woke Ryan up, who in his groggy state, came to my rescue and together we managed to clean everything up. Not much says "Welcome to parenthood" better than that! So sure, the first night was a bit of a rough one, but it was the beginning of the most glorious experience I could imagine.
Becoming a mother and watching my little boy grow is something I cannot find words for. It is joy beyond joy. Hope beyond hope. Purpose beyond purpose. But watching Ryan become a father is something that tugs at my heart and threatens to bring tears each time I think of it. He is such an amazing father. We were both nervous about the transition and what it would mean to our way of life, but Ryan took to fatherhood like a fish to water. There is something magical, exciting, and humbling in watching him interact with Pierscen. He is a wonderful father and I am so grateful to have him as my husband and best friend.
I returned to work to March. It was both easier and harder than I thought it would be. I was still working full time to keep the health benefits. I went back to teaching piano as well, though I had to switch the days and times around to accommodate for our new schedules. Life felt pretty normal, though obviously very different.
Our balancing act was short lived as Ryan was offered a job in Wyoming. We were totally thrilled at the offer and the excitement of "moving on" but it was still a big thing to adjust to. We always said we wanted a chance to move away - to have our own little world experience, but the reality was still intimidating! (Especially considering I would need to stay behind for a while to work and prepare for Pierscen's surgery.) He was given a month before he had to "report" and he moved out in April. At that point I dropped all but a couple of my piano lessons and cut down my hours at the hospital to part time. Thanks to my PTO hoarding over the years, I was able to stay at the full time rate for insurance using my saved up PTO hours, but only work a fraction of that time. And of the hours I was putting in, I was able to work most of it from home. It was such an incredible blessing, one which I cannot thank my boss enough for. I owe so much to her!
Two quick months later Pierscen underwent major surgery for Craniosynostosis. The surgeons did an amazing job, but wow - what an emotionally trying thing. Ryan was able to come back for the surgery itself and then had to go back to Wyoming the following day. It was a huge relief to have him there. I could not have done it without him. We stayed in the hospital for 5 days. Following our release, Pierscen and I moved in with my parents so we could pack everything up at our apartment. One week following our release from the hospital, we moved to Wyoming.
Two months after moving to Wyoming, we bought our first house! Somehow in all of the crazy things that had happened that year, this was the most surprising. Not so much the act of buying a house, because we knew we wanted one, but the speed at which it happened. We thought we would be looking for a long time. In fact, I am still not sure why we started looking so soon after our arrival, but I am glad we did! We moved into our home the very end of August.
Since Pierscen and I moved to Wyoming, we have made 5 trips to Utah, one with my sister-in-law Jodi, one by myself, and 3 with Ryan. It is an all day ordeal to drive out there, but we are really glad that if we had to move away, that going home is still a feasible act.
In 2012 Pierscen attended his first parade (which he slept through), took his first airplane ride (x3), went to the San Diego Zoo and Sea World, watched his first 4th of July firework show, helped with a Trunk-or-treat activity for Halloween, ate turkey and mashed potatoes with family in Utah for Thanksgiving, celebrated his first Christmas and had two huge birthday bashes for his first birthday. It was a good year. :)
It's amazing how life turns out. We think we have things planned and under control and that we know what's best for us. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows us better than we know ourselves and is always there to guide and direct us. If you had asked me what I thought the year 2012 was going to be like, I don't think there is any chance I could have accurately guessed any of it. Ryan and I have been married for 6 years as of this last July. Each year has been new and exciting and has come with its ups and downs. But nothing compares to the year the world was supposed to end. Not only did we survive, but we truly LIVED. Yes, we are alive and thriving in windy Wyoming and are looking forward to a new year of this incredible blessing called life.
